Hey Black Woman, You’re a Failure If You Don’t Have a Husband

Well, I’m moving back to my parent’s house. I have spent a year advancing my career goals. It’s been challenging, but a great learning experience. It is now coming down to an end. I got another position back home with a company that I’m very passionate about. It will be a great step to furthering my career goals. I will also be taking some graduate courses, which I’m excited about. I’ll be paying on my own. 🙂 I’m kinda sorta doing a “grown-up,” thing just like mommy!  🙂

I have plans, dreams and hobbies that I would like to indulge in. I’ve even lost some weight about 20 pounds in all, although this week has been stressful and I’ve been a bit off. 🙂 I’m getting back on the wagon first thing Saturday though. I still would like to lose about 10 more pounds, but it’s been pretty good to have lost this weight.

So with all of this positive news (and I am pleased with these prospects) you would think that I had it all going for me. Well, not for some apparently. The fact that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband makes me a failure to some.

I tell people, “oh I got this really great position at a business that I’m passionate about and I’m really excited.” I get a dull “oh cool…” then i get an excited…”so YOU MEET ANY GUYS??” This is the most important thing to people. If I’m happy and smiling, people come up to me and randomly ask me “who is HE?” As if the only reason that I could be happy is because some man made me that way. Then I’m reminded by their comments that I don’t have a man, so therefore I am a failure of a woman…

I tried doing a dating site earlier for a while. I got some responses sure, I got some older men winking at me, telling me I have a “beautiful smile,” and I got some pictures of penises in my inbox…but that was it. I closed my account.

I tried my hand at dressing up and going out on my own. I put on some eye makeup and a nice dress (one of the few that I have any way) and I got stares from men, but that’s it. I had one older Black man on the train tell me that “I’m a beautiful girl.” I had the cashier another older black man ask me out for a date…but I haven’t had a Black man my age ask me out in about 5-6 years, excluding the incident where the Afro-Arab guy basically tried to make me his jump off. Thankfully, I came out of that situation still a virgin… technically.

Then, there’s hispanic men. I am in a very hispanic area, yet I haven’t even met one guy who I could date here. It seems all the men here are married, which is great for hispanic women,but again not so much for me if I want to get a date. Then there’s Ethiopian men, I love their culture, but again they  tend to marry so young. There are not many Asian men in this area. Though I saw a good looking Asian guy at the gym. I don’t even think he noticed me at all.

Now, white men. I’ve tried to be more open to white men. Hey, Black men my age don’t seem to be interested in marrying any time this century, so why not white men? The Black women online make it seem so glamorous, so why not give it a try? Never mind the historical and culture obstacles that I deal with…I can’t even get past the basic, superficial stuff. This is what happens. I’ll be dressed up and all white men will do is stare at my breasts or at my mouth on the train and nothing else. I remember very vividly I was wearing my favorite dress (again I only have about 4 dresses ) I had on eye make, I thought I looked pretty nice, nicer than my usual t-shirt and khaki shorts and sandals any way… the guy is walking past me, stops and stares into my eyes for a long time, we’re both looking at each other, then he just glances down and smoothes his hair back, like he was embarrassed or something. I just think so many white men think they’re superior to Black women, in fact I know they do. I don’t completely trust white men either, I’m not going to lie.

Then another white guy just stares at my breasts on the subway with his wife and kid in tow and when he saw me looking at him LOOKING AT ME, he turned into a statue and looked away. That’s the kind of “attention,” I get. The perverted kind…it’s either perverted, married men, older and being creepy or it’s older, 45-50 year old Black men who just want a younger woman…I don’t know. I just attract perverted men, I always have…never the right kind of guys. I don’t know if it’s a vibe I give off or what.

Any way, I pretty much don’t care any more. whatever. I thought I’d have a marriage and baby by now or at least a boyfriend, but whatever. You may say I sound desperate, but the reality is, most people want companionship. However I’ll say in my defense that at least I’ve kept my dignity. I’m not out doing crazy things to get male attention or dressing all crazy. No. In fact, I hope to go back to church as soon as I move back home.

13 thoughts on “Hey Black Woman, You’re a Failure If You Don’t Have a Husband”

  1. Interesting post. Everything works itself out in time. Dont worry about not having a boyfriend. Enjoy your new career achievements, enjoy your single life and in time, you will find the right person for relationship purposes. Trust me, being a young black male, I myself go through dating droughts. Just enjoy your life.

    Btw, you mentioned about being on a subway. Do you live in New York, Chicago, Boston or one of those cities?


  2. Peanut, I hope u are doing well. people think every woman has to have a man or else they call her crazy or ask what is wrong with her. People are never satisfied, if u are single they ask why u aren’t in a relationship, when u are in a relationship they ask when will u get married, when u are married people ask when will u have a baby, when u do have a baby people ask when are u going to give him/her a sibling. it is never ending people can never stfu and be happy for someone and support them where they are in life.

    There is nothing wrong with being single, the best thing to do is spend time with ur single friends, if u have a guy friend maybe he can introduce u to his single friend. People put too much emphasis on women and why we are single, but they never ask what is it that we want . They always ask why u are single well, maybe they should ask why is it the right person hasn’t come into ur life yet. something is wrong with society where they place so much emphasis on money, fame,sex, drugs, instant gratification and very little on intimacy, family, love ,commitment, and then wonder why people are single. people are single because they don’t want to settle for someone that is not their equal, not because something is wrong with them or that they can’t attract someone.


  3. Pursue what motivates you, and keep an eye open for Mr Right.

    Also, from personal experience, the people who are always asking why you are single are also the same ones who will try and fix you up with some guy who should never be in a relationship. Period!

    Good luck with your career pursuits.


  4. Having a man is no guarantee that your life will be any more meaningful, happy, or valuable. In fact, there is nothing worse than a woman attaching herself to the wrong man. I know this, because my mother wasted 15 yrs of her best years with my father and when it ended she had nothing to show for all those years but bad memories and disgrace. People will prefer you to have a man and suffer than to be single and happy. Girl, you too young for the bullshit. Focus on yourself, be completely and utterly selfish, travel, wine and dine you, and learn to love your own company, lose the extra ten pounds and be the most fabulous version of yourself that you can be. Btw, congrats on losing the 20lb so far.


  5. When it comes to men and dating sites, I know exactly how you feel. When I was on this dating site called “blackpeoplemeet.com”, men would send me penis pictures and they were only interested in “casual” relationships. They were disgusting. Going to church to find a man isn’t any better either. If I were you, I would just focus on myself. Maybe later on, you can travel to Europe and find a nice European man. By the way, congratulations on your 20 pound weight loss.


  6. So I have wanted to say much more to your many comments on Abagond, but I was nervous about displaying all the things I had in mind to say. Secretly I understand at great length how you feel because you seem to display the things I hide or am afraid to display. Even with me being married, I often worry about being not good enough or a failure at something. I want you to know I don’t want you to see yourself as a failure because you’re not married. I think you are brave to just say what you think and feel. Even if it is on a blog. I admire you and I pray that you find a man that sees the gift he will have in you. 🙂

    Ps. There is more I want to say, but I will stop there for fear I will be judged for caring too much.


  7. Hope you don’t mind input from an old male…

    A person who thinks deeply and shares those thoughts in the way you do here and in the comments at abagond’s doesn’t need a man to “complete” her or to stop her from being a failure. Other people’s perceptions are just that – THEIR perceptions, and not necesarily well informed or valid.

    I have been married three times. The first two marriages eventually failed – much of the fault was mine. The last has been wonderful. Try to ignore that feeling of time moving on, if that is what you do experience. Time may be rushing past us all, but seeking a relationship in haste or according to some perceived biological schedule is risky. I honestly believe that it is worth taking the time to find the right person.

    You are right to reject the shallow vibes you get from the men around you. Don’t get me wrong, pretty much all men are biologically programmed to be a little superficial when it comes to their initial interaction with women. Most will appreciate physical attractiveness before considering the person. Most will deny that. But there are good guys as well as perverts. Don’t sell yourself short for someone who will not contribute positively to your life.

    Maybe just try to find more male friends. When you get to know people outside of a dating-agenda context it may be easier to get past the facades people erect when their actively seeking a relationship.

    I wish you happiness.


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