The Beginning of a New Journey!
note: this is an old blog post that I pulled from an old blog that I had called blackyetlovely.wordpress.com. I have combined the blogs into one, but much of what I say in this post is still very true and I still feel this way, so I am reposting it as a new post or a reminder of what I feel.
I became Christian when I was 12, just the beginning of adolescence. To be Christian is defined as believing in and being a follower of Christ.
I grew up my entire life in a sheltered enviorment where I truly believed that the world was this idealistic place. I went to a prep school where I was one of the few black girls in my class and where I was one of a handful of my friends who believed in God. Although I was different from my friends, we generally got along.
As I grew older, I began to have my first encounters with real racism. I began to realize that the idealistic world that I had dreamnt of as a young girl did not truly exist. The more I experienced and learned, the more I began to realize that there is so much cruelty and injustice in this world. I began to feel alienated as a black woman and the constant demeaning and degrading images that were shown in the media coupled with my personal encounters with racism began to drain me emotionally…and spiritually.
When I looked at the mistreatment of black women in society and the world, it made me sick. I couldn’t understand why God would allow little girls to be born truly believing that they’re so unwanted and undesired just because of their skin color and hair texture.
At this point I had to stop and pray and reflect on some things. I realized that there is only so much I can do ,as a human being , to change the way people feel about me, as a black woman. I can show people positive images of black women, I can show beautiful pictures of black women, but at the end of the day people are going to believe what they want to believe. If they have negative and hateful feelings towards me and other black women…I can’t change their heart, only God can do that.
I thought about the song “This Battle Is not Yours,” by Yolanda Adams, I realized that in the process of constantly fighting over people, I was also fighting myself. I was hurting myself and am hurting myself.
I have to remind myself on a daily basis that “this battle is not mine, but Gods,” just as it says in 2 Chronicles 20:15.
I write this blog as a form of prayer. I hope to find healing for myself and for other black women as well. Just as this blog is a learning experience for many of my readers, it is also a learning experience for me.
“I pray that through this blog God will remind me that this battle is not mine. I pray that God will remind us not to look to the media, men or other people to see our true beauty, but to look to God, our father. I pray that God will show us that true lasting beauty is not found externally, but is found in a beautiful heart, which is ripe with God’s love. I pray that God will forgive me for my bitterness, anger and foul mouth and heal my heart so that I may help others heal through this blog. I pray that God will show me how to help improve the treatment of black women without being hateful or resentful towards others. I pray that God will help me and all those black women who feel mistreated to FORGIVE those who mistreat us, so that we may truly be in God’s image. I pray that God will help me to remember to love thine enemy. I pray that God will uplift this blog and help touch the lives of black women and all people who read these words, including myself and my co-author Bronwyn. I pray that God may touch my heart and touch the hearts of our readers. I pray that God will heal and allow me to carry the positive lessons from this blog through all the days and truly take them to heart. I thank God for all his love and I seek him with an open heart and welcome his guidance into my life and the life of our readers. In Christ name I pray. Amen.”