Black women, loyalty and Black men

I wrote a guest post for Abagond’s blog. There was a hot discussion on Abagond’s post about his views on Black women and white men interracial relationships. I stated that I felt that often internalized hatred and inequality fueled some Black people, particularly Black men to date interracial. I stated that I found that Black people who excluded their own race or who bashed Black women were more than likely indoctrinated to view Blacks, especially Black women as inferior. I caused quite a stir because some felt that I was criticizing or trying to dissuade Black men from dating interracially, while allowing Black women to date interracially.

I responded that I condemn self-hate in Black women as well. I do not believe that it is appropriate, given our history and the racial inequalities in this country (and the world) for Black men or Black women to exclude other Black people from their dating or marital pool. I think that from the day that Black people are born we are told that we’re inferior and unworthy of equality and love. We are encouraged by the media to degrade other Black people and I believe that the media is very biased in it’s portrayal of Black people, especially Black couples.

Black couples and Black people in general are portrayed as dysfunctional, yet the media markets interracial relationships (solely to Black people) and portrays them as being superior to Black relationships, as if there is something inherently better about pursuing a romantic relationship with a white person as opposed to a Black person. Movies like Precious, The Help, Flight and Monster’s Ball all portray Black relationships as dysfunctional. In contrast, films like Red Tails, Save the Last Dance and Hitch portray Black men as being happier with a non-Black woman. There is no equality in the portrayal of Black people in the media. The message is the same over and over again, “white is superior and Black people assimilate into whiteness.” There are plenty of racist people in interracial relationships and because Black men date and intermarry far more than Black women do, it is more common to see this mentality of internalized hatred exhibited in Black men who intermarry. I do not believe that Black women are as guilty of this type of internalized racism by the mere fact that Black women date and intermarry less. Although Black women certainly have internalized racism, but it exhibits itself more commonly in other ways and of course there are exceptions like the BWE crowd who push interracial relationships as a superior alternative to relationships with Black men. However, the reality is, it is far more common (in my experience) to encounter Black men who malign Black women and uplift non-Black women as a superior alternative to Black women.

All things being equal, I do not think there is anything inherently wrong with interracial relationships. But, white supremacy is rampant and Blacks are indoctrinated from birth to view whiteness as superior, so it is my opinion that some Black people, more than people will admit, enter into interracial relationships with negative views of other Black people. There is a reason that most Black children pick the white doll in the Black doll vs. white doll experiment. The reason is that we are indoctrinated to view whiteness as being more beautiful, more natural and superior to Blackness. It would be naïve to think that this mentality would not manifest itself in our dating and marital choices as well.

There are some Black people, including Black men, who marry non-black people for honest love and that is fine, but when we have “men” like Tommy Sotomayor, Albert Haynesworth, Srgtwillipete and countless others maligning, stereotyping and dehumanizing Black women, that says there is a real problem in our community and mentally some Black people just cannot handle dating and marry interracially. But, at the end of the day, people will do as they please and it is their right to choose whatever mate of whatever color. But, I do not believe any one can truly be happy or truly love another human being if they hate themselves.

So this isn’t about interracial relationships, it is more so about equality.

This is one of the many comments that I left on Abagond’s blog:

“I see the bias in the media and I know that there are racist reasons for people to get in interracial relationships, but I think that as I said awhile ago on the blog…telling people NOT to get into interracial relationships isn’t the way to go about correcting the root of the problem, which is white supremacy…and there are some interracial couples who just love each other and don’t have this mindset of self-hate or racism…so I wouldn’t want to throw EVERY interracial couple under the bus so to speak…


let’s be real.

We are all familiar with the Black doll/white doll test and we know that we live in a world where we are told again and again that Black is inferior and we have some people in the world who are telling us directly that we SHOULDN’T want to be around other Black people because we’re inferior. I know we have people telling us that white is something to aspire to and that is wrong…

but I feel like instead of telling people you shouldn’t date/marry/sex across racial lines, we should be working to educate ourselves as Black people about our natural beauty, our history, our accomplishments and just learn to value ourselves and truly see ourselves as equal to white people. Once we value each other, we wouldn’t have Black people who sought out white partners and excluded their own race because they felt consciously or subconsciously that white was superior. It would be more balanced and equal. We wouldn’t have the issues with self-hate and people would value other Black people and if Black person did decided to marry/date etc. interracially, then they would be doing it because they really liked the person as opposed to doing it because they were brainwashed to look down on Black people.”


When I said these things on Abagond, it offended some people. So, I responded with the following guest post:

Black women, loyalty and Black men.

9 thoughts on “Black women, loyalty and Black men”

  1. Wow. I feel compelled to try my best to comment by saying something profound in response to this latest blog post. However, I cannot add anything more to what you’ve already said. I can only say that I agree wholeheartedly. Guys that make sport of degrading black women need to get checked more by other black men. Unfortunately, too many of us just sit on the sidelines, like spectators, and marvel at the spectacle that is being made at the expense of black women. I don’t like gender bashing in either direction, but as a black man, I place a greater burden on the shoulders of men to uphold the integrity of ourselves and the women that we share a common heritage with.


    1. thank you for the comment and thank you for taking responsibility as a man. I really appreciate that more than you know. 🙂


  2. I am currently dating a European-American man, but I agree with you Peanut – I think that people should date the person that is best for them, the person that respects and uplifts them and is good for their spirit.


  3. Before any apologist get a chance to respond to the audio feed that precedes this post, I just want to say that whether or not you or I would have expressed the message differently does not matter. The sister has her own right to express her own feelings however she wants. The anger that many black men and women feel is a real product of a society that is based on white supremacy and promotes white privilege. The insult comes when others focus on the anger and say that the aggrieved should not feel the way they are feeling. Don’t look at her. Listen to WHAT she is saying, then look at our society and critique it.


  4. Podcast on why black men hate black women.

    “The question has to be asked. Looking at the verbally and emotionally abusive language and cruel words used both online and offline – coupled with reports all over the world of atrocities and assaults committed by black and brown men against their women, it’s pretty hard to say there is much in the way of love being demonstrated.

    Why is it that the men black women want to love, want to be cared for by, want to have children with, and want to grow old with are seemingly focused on their anniliation?

    Is this a situation where black women need to wake up and accept that there is a war going on and they are going to be on the losing end if they don’t start fighting back?”

    Deborah Copper


    1. I don’t trust African American or Black men in the West enough to date, sex or marry one. It is sad because I am the most sexually attracted to Black men. But there are Black men from Africa and Caribbean to choose from so I am okay. I just wouldn’t date any Black man from the West


  5. Why are Black women loyal to such men? I was in this position once as a Black woman of Jamaican descent and American born. That backfired on me because the worst experiences I had with men were with so called African American men. They called me ugly, too dark and not pretty enough for their tastes. And I had low self esteem because of it as well as the bullying I experienced from non Black women in school and not fitting the beauty standards of America. It all made me feel so bad.

    I started reading BWE Empowerment blogs and it made me feel better about myself and that it isn’t entirely my fault that so called African American men mistreat me and society sees me as a unattractive, loudmouthed mule. I am FAR from an unattractive, loudmouthed mule. I am petite, smart and pretty and carry myself nicely yet it is hard for a Black woman like me to actually navigate in this society without feeling bad about herself. And it is even worse that so called African American men don’t protect or care about Black women. Many times these men go along with the racist attacks that the media puts out about Black women.

    So why should I be loyal to men that don’t even treat me like crap? I even had better experiences with Black men from the motherland country-Jamaica, other Caribbean countries and African countries. Heck, even White or Latino men treated me with more respect than African American men did. Thus I don’t trust African American or Westernized Black men enough to date, sex or marry one. And I don’t care if people call me a sellout for my preferences either.


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