I am going on a trip to Brazil soon and it’s an 8-11 hour flight, didn’t think it would be that long and now I’m terrified that something will happen and I won’t make it back from the trip because of the plane. I went on a short plane ride up North today and I started panicking while we were landing because I was so scared something was going to happen.The fear of planes is only one manifestation of my fear of dying, I’m also afraid of driving on the freeway, but I would take that over flying any day. It’s a fear of being out of control that I don’t like and also the fear that if something were to happen on the plane, the anticipation of knowing what was to come would be truly terrifying. Just anticipating how will it happen, what will it be like…and what will follow?…that’s scary.
I’ve already put a lot of money into the trip, but I was so scared on the short flight today that I am considering cancelling the trip and taking a loss (with my mother’s pemission)
But here is the real kicker. I’m afraid that I’ll regret the way that I have lived and that I won’t go to heaven. For the past four years or so, I’ve been very reserved. I’ve mostly stayed in my room on the computer, not really talking to anyone. I mean, on occassion, I would spend time with my family or friends, but when I went to college, it was like I went into a deep depression and cut myself off, the less time I spent with people, the more anxious and depressed I became and by extension when I was around people I still felt anxious and depressed, which made me less fun to be around.
Now, I’m regretting that I wasted four years cutting myself off from the world and the most precious gift God has given me, my family. For example, my mother. She is a wonderful person and has done nothing, but sacrifice for me. However, sometimes I can be short with her especially because she can be domineering and she sometimes says things that are condescending. Like she talks to me like I’m 4 instead of 24 and I don’t like that, so I’ll snap back at her. I just want her to talk to me like an adult, not like a child, but when I snap back I always feel guilty. someone once said that you can’t judge someone by their actions and just yourself by your intentions. I know my mother has good intentions and I just regret that I can be outright rude to her sometimes.
Also, not to mention that I’ve struggled with masturbation and lustful thoughts. I have asked for forgiveness many times, but I keep messing up. I haven’t done it as of late, but I just worry that God won’t forgive me because he doesn’t take me seriously. I’ve asked God to sincerely help me to change, to take the desire for these impure thoughts out of my mind and i truly wish not to do it again. I am scared God won’t forgive me because I’ve asked to be forgiven so many times before and still continue to do it.
I believe in Jesus Christ, I love him and believe he died on the cross for my sins, I believe he rose from the dead and I revere him as my Lord and Savior, yet I worry that my actions says otherwise. I know God can see your heart, so how do I know God will forgive me for everything…for my bad attitude, for my lustful and hateful thoughts?
Someone please help me. I want to repent my sins and start living in a Godly way so that I won’t have these fears and regrets.
I want to spend more time with my family and love them more, I want to have a closer relationship with God, I want to feel secure in my relationship with Christ and know that he has forgiven me and will help me to change?