***WARNING SEXUAL CONTENT***
I went to get tested for STDs.
You may be wondering why I, as someone who has never had intercourse, would feel the need to get tested for sexually transmitted disease. Well, in a previous blog post, I wrote about my first real sexual encounter with a man. I made it clear in the blog post that the guy and I didn’t have intercourse, but I wasn’t completely honest in that blog post. We did do other things besides just make out, in fact, we came very close to having intercourse.
After my first encounter in the guy’s room where he nearly mauled me, I went back to him like a fool because I had convinced myself that what had happened last time would not happen again. I thought that I could control how far we’d go. I told him beforehand that I was okay with cuddling and a little kissing, but nothing more than that. After fooling around for a while, the guy decided that he wanted more and he pulled his penis out and asked if I’d like to give him fellatio. I told him “I’m not giving you a blow job!! Are you kidding?” So, he continued fondling me and finally he said, ” just let me touch you, I know you’re warm down there.” After he kept asking, I finally just said you can rub down there, but don’t penetrate me. I don’t want to have sex. I wasn’t about to let some guy I barely knew put a pit viper in me. So, long story short, we ended up rubbing privates against privates, without actually penetrating. Wikipedia describes this act as a form of “outer-course.” It’s supposed to be safer sex.
However, after I got what appeared to be a skin irritation and some itching, my worst fears set in. I went and did a search online and realized that you can get STDs even if you don’t have oral or vaginal sex. Certain STDs, like herpes you can get from genital to genital contact, even if penetration doesn’t occur. So, I went into panic mode. I couldn’t tell my parents that I was worried because then I would have to tell them what I did. So, I emailed a couple of my friends.
Certain websites would describe “outer-course,” as safe sex, but the truth is there is always a risk when you have any type of sexual contact. Nothing in this world comes for free.
So, I was convinced by my online friends to go and get tested for STDs, just in case… I called Planned Parenthood, much to my dismay, and I made an appointment to get tested. It was embarrassing as hell. I have never been into Planned Parenthood because of their politics and their history of racism, but I felt like I had no other choice because I couldn’t to my internist. Here is the kicker, Planned Parenthood made an appointment for me that was a week away! For someone to get tested for STDs that’s a long time to wait, but I had no choice but to make the appointment.
I was upset about having to wait so long, so finally, I called Patient First and asked if I could get a blood test. It was the Patient First that my mother always took me to, but I couldn’t wait a week for Planned Parenthood. I didn’t know if Patient First did STD testing or not, but when I called, they said that I could walk in anytime and get tested. So I went first thing that Saturday. They took my blood and tested me for all the STDs, including HIV. They also gave me a pregnancy test. I didn’t tell them that there hadn’t been any actual fluid exchange or penetration, I just told them I wanted to get tested, so they did them all. It was embarrassing but I had to be sure. I was most concerned with herpes.
They told me, I would get my result in a few days. The people there were very nice and helpful, but I still felt shame and embarrassment for even having to ask for a test. Afterwards, I called and cancelled my appointment with Planned Parenthood.
Now, all I had to do was wait.
The hardest part of the process, the actual testing, was over, but the scariest part is the possibility of getting news that you don’t want to hear…
I told Wilson, a commenter, on another blog post that I was not feeling the same interest in sex anymore because I was not ready for the emotional, physical and psychological ties that can come with sex at this point. Even though I’m an adult, emotionally and spiritually I do not feel that I’m in a place to be having sex yet. In Christianity, there is something called a Soul Tie, it’s basically where negative presence or negative emotions become part of you through association with another person. The idea is that if you put all this energy and spirit into someone who is negative or who doesn’t truly value you, their negativity will rub off on you. I find this to be very true, when you associate with negative people, you do get ties that bind you to negativity. I’ve struggled with this personally on both ends as the negative person and the person receiving the negativity and it’s something I have prayed over. When you add sex into the mix, a soul tie can be even stronger. You are involving yourself in one of the most physically and psychologically intimate acts that we, as human beings, can perform.
I wondered if I had developed a soul tie with the guy or maybe I was just stupid and lonely and it was my own dumb fault or some combination of all three. I am now convinced that there is no such thing as completely safe sex, even if there are no physical consequences, you can put yourself in a vulnerable emotional situation. Nothing in this world is free.
I compromised myself and months later, I still was carrying that worry in the back of my mind. I believe the main reason that I felt so uneasy about my sexual situation was because I didn’t love this man and I knew he didn’t love me. When someone doesn’t care about you, they’re more likely to do things that may put you at risk. For months, I had to carry this worry in the back of my mind all because I laid down with someone who I knew didn’t care about me. All because I was lonely and coveting an ersatz representation of love when I could have had the real thing.
So, I finally got my test results back……
The results were negative, for everything.
I was so relieved, but after I had to carry this burden around with me, I realized that I was getting into a sexual relationship for all the wrong reasons. Just the fact that I had to worry if I had been put at risk by a guy who I couldn’t trust anyway was more than too much for me. I don’t like having to worry like that because next time, I may not be so fortunate.
If I really think that I need a man to fill a void in my life, then I am not ready to have sex period. Not to say that I can’t appreciate my sexuality, but this is the decision that I have made and I hope that I can stick with it. I need to grow more spiritually and emotionally before I can ever truly make love. When I do have sex, it won’t be with a guy who doesn’t even care about me, but with someone who loves me.
I also want people to understand that you can get tested and there is no shame in that. It’s better to know and take proper precautions than not to know and hurt people. So, don’t be afraid to get tested.