Being the Mammy Black Girl friend


Growing up in a predominately white environment and being a Black woman can be difficult. Growing up in a predominately white environment and being an overweight Black woman can be even more difficult. In high school, I had a black girl friend who was about 65 pounds overweight, she eventually lost the weight and lost quite a few friends. Being an overweight Black woman with a bunch of white girl friends can be tough, let me explain why.

As an overweight Black woman in an all-white, all female group,  sometimes, you’ll  be treated as the mammy of the group. Your job is to make the “skinny white girls,” feel better about themselves, entertain them and stay in your subordinate position. You’re basically the fat black girl friend. Whenever a crisis arises, you’ll be the go-to girl that the “skinny white girls” can depend on to build up their self-esteem and then go back to their superior position.

In high school, my friend was often the mammy friend that would give dating advice, help pick out clothes and hold the purses of the skinny white girls whenever they socialized.  Let me give you an example, when she and her white girl friends would go to the mall, her white girl friend would try on clothes, stand in front of the mirror and say “oh my God I am SO  FAT,” then she’d grab her non-existent gut.  Mind you, the girl was stick thin, straight up and down skinny and she knew that…nevertheless that was my friend’s cue to say “girl, you are not fat…I’M FAT…you look good.”

This white girl used her to elevate her own self-esteem and make herself feel better. When she went to school dances, my friend was the one that her skinny white girl friends would go to for boy advice. They would rely on her for comfort and an ego boost when they felt like a white guy ( or any guy) wasn’t paying them attention or worshiping treating them the way that they felt they should treated. She would be the one who would hold their purses if a guy asked them to dance, while she stood on the side like a wall flower.  None of her white girl friends ever offered to set her up with any guys. Her white girl friends would treat her like the third wheel, but at the same time pay her phony compliments like “oh my god, I LOVE YOU,” and do the phony hug and kiss routine. When it came to entertainment, she was basically made into a buffoon. She was expected to crack jokes all the time, act like a stereotypical, ghetto, Black girl and just entertain them. She was their token.

And the white guys…

To the white guys, she wasn’t even on their radar in terms of being a girlfriend. They treated her as if she were completely asexual. She was the girl that they used to get at her white girl friends. Sometimes they’d even tell her all the girls they’d like to sleep with and it was never her. They treated her like she was asexual, but at the same time they patronized her with phony displays of affection. They would pet her head (w/out permission), they would give her a platonic hug or a sister-like kiss on the cheek and they felt comfortable doing this because (to them) she wasn’t sexual enough for their affection to be interpreted as romantic interest.  She wasn’t really a real girl to them. Whereas with the skinny white girls, they would never kiss, hug or treat them the way they did her unless they were romantically involved with them because they viewed them as sexual.So she was basically the platonic friend to the white guys. Here is a great article about the platonic friend situation.

When my friend joined a weight loss program and lost 65 pounds, suddenly her white girl friends no longer felt the need to be friends with her. They stopped inviting her out and stopped talking to her. She was pretty much shunned. She was no longer the cumbersome, jolly, make-a – white girl feel better friend, no…

As for the white guys, once she lost the weight, the hugging and sister-like kisses stopped… the schmoozing about the girls they wanted to sleep with stopped… Why? … My guess is they no longer felt comfortable showing platonic affection because they viewed her as sexual. After she lost weight and started caring about her appearance, she became sexual competition. She was no longer the asexual, platonic; mammy black girl who the white guys could patronize and condescend to…no she was attractive, young and sexy. She had a nice hour glass shape and when she started to wear cute clothes, she was no longer on the side lines while her white girl friends tried on clothes, she was trying on clothes with them and…  looked  DAMN good in them at that!


The truth is that some white people feel comfortable around overweight Black women because subconsciously it reminds them of mammy. You know mammy, the asexual, cumbersome,  Black woman who was made to look as sexually unappealing as possible. It makes them feel less threatened and it desexualizes the Black woman.

Not all white women or white men treat Black women this way. I know many white women who will stick by their black girl friends through thick and thin, but unfortunately there are SOME white men and white women who have this superiority complex where they use Black women, ESPECIALLY, overweight Black women to fill a void in their lives. These type of white folks do not want the Black woman to be appealing and do not value her feelings, she is merely there to reinforce their feelings of superiority and assuage their insecurity. My advice to Black women is to reject this mammy role and stop allowing others to rob you of your womanhood. Do not be content to play the mammy girl friend whether it’s for the white guy or the white girl.



12 thoughts on “Being the Mammy Black Girl friend”

  1. Wonderful! I am so happy your friend took care of herself and made the effort to change her body, and her life. I honestly believe every woman should make an effort to have a gorgeous body at least once in their lifetime. I know some will say this is superficial, but you should be able to look at some pictures when you’re old and gray and say: “damn I was hot’..

    I have a very beautiful friend, 5″8′, very slender, but having boobs, hips and a butt, really gorgeous woman. She has a great sense of style too and pays attention to her hair and skin. She would tell me about going on the subway and getting evil eyes from white girls all the time. There seems to be this idea that if you are black you should not have any beauty, or you should not put any effort into being your best. Don’t forget how Ms. Angola was treated after winning the Ms, Universe pageant. Here is this dark skinned, obviously black woman who wins and suddenly there are all sorts of things to say about it, even to the point of saying she scammed her way into the That’s why I love when black women take care of themselves and make themselves pretty. I freaking love it, to see gorgeous black women out and about doing their thing and not giving a shit.


    1. i took agree that it’s wonderful to see black women on top of their game and yes people expect us to be ugly and not take care of ourselves ,but when we do…people get uncomfortable watch.


  2. Interesting take. I agree to a point. I think overweight white women (or women of any race) can fill that “mammy” role just as easily. If its about not seeming sexual and size is the cause of that, I don’t think race plays as big a part in this instance.


  3. I love this post so much!
    It explains what I went through at my Catholic school, TC last year. I am young teenage Black girl who is very beautiful and to tell you something, those White girls were so mean to me. I always looked nice and tried to look nice. The White girls would smile and act all phony and nice and all. They were so phony because they said so much crap behind my back, make fun of me, spread rumors about me. and put me down. Especially this girl named Laci. Can’t stand her to this very day. The White guys never treated me like a Mammy because I am pretty and I have a nice hourglass figure instead of fat figure. The White guys teased me a lot and tried to put me down. The Black guys weren’t any better either. This one Black dude, absolutely can’t stand him in the least bit, always put me down and once he hit my butt.
    It was a horrible experience and yes, Peanut, this happens to Black girls who are pretty and not fat like me!


  4. Adeen, just wait til you leave high school: many guys would be falling all over you to take you out. There seems to be a avalanche of white guys who marry or are marrying dark sista types these days. Many of them even seem to be stay at hoime moms: i know a few. There is websites called BWE who are encouraging or opening up these relationships and the white girls are LIVID! with ANGER! is one if you want to stop there


    1. The BWE movement is nothing more than an elitist, deluded, hate filled, race based misandrist cult. They only seem to care about getting the holier than thou white men. They don’t seem to get the message that white men for the most part don’t want to marry black women. The sooner that the BWE learn that white men aren’t nothing special and stop blaming black men for every bad thing that’s happened to them, the better of they’ll be.
      Luckily most Black American women (and black women in general) can and are starting to see through the BWE movement’s bullish!


      1. that’s not true BWE, you’re confusing BWE with the something new crew not the same thing…real BWE have the best interest of black women at heart and encourage black women to purse men (and women) of all races who respect them and who aren’t anti-black women bigots


  5. You’re right to a certain extant, Peanut. However this “something new” crew has highjacked the “BWE” name. Let’s get the record straight. I don’t care who black women date. They can date whoever they want. I just don’t like lies and half truths that both the “something new” crew and the “BWE movement” are spreading around. I also hate that anybody that has genuine criticism of black women or their “movements” are seen as anti BW bigots. Yes, black men have their problems and believe me, we are criticised for them but black women like any other human being are never beyond criticism.


  6. I know a girl like this, in fact, a couple they’re from Cameroun and somewhere else I forgot…I don’t know if I should say anything about it without coming off somehow. It take me a while to understand why they disliked me sooo much, now I know why! The girl I know probably thinks that I’m just not as jovial as her and that’s why…but I’ve been around these ppl for a looong time and I know the real reason. It made me relieved to find out the real reason, I was slim, full black girl with long hair (now it cut short because of a bullying incident in school). Now that I know this, I’m kind of relieved…I’m realizing the world is not COLORBLIND at all, especially white people, all they see is color when they look at you so I’ve learnt not to take it personal!
    Lol, I remember I went to a racist primarily Asian school and I came there and I could tell some of the guys (the most popular in fact liked me–which was confirmed by some male friends ar the end of the year)…so it started to make sense at lunch when the teacher left at the girls table they’d always say racist things about BP…always, always, always! And when I’d report them, they’d be like “why is she angry? We’re not talking about her?” Cuz obviously cuz I don’t act like they’re stereotype they think I’m not black (for the record, they don’t even know any BP lol)
    It all started to make sense…


  7. I have always been skinny so I can’t identify with this but most of my friends were prettier than me so I was always on the side while the cute guys talked to them the only time I got a cute guys attention was when I was by myself AWAY from my friends . The only time cute guys flirted with me is when I was sitting by myself but some of my ex friends who weren’t really friends treated me wrong sometimes called me anorexic and ugly saying no guy likes that .


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