Lesson Learned: Why It’s Hard to Be Friends with Guys Who Are In Relationships

I learned a lesson. I kinda liked this guy for a while, but I wasn’t crazy about him. I met him on a website and I convinced myself that I didn’t really like him, but deep down inside, I knew that I did kind of like him. We would just talk and goof around a lot on the phone and email each other. We exchanged pictures and he didn’t live but 15 minutes away from me. The only problem was, although he said he thought I was “hot,” he obviously wasn’t that interested in me and I don’t think I was that crazy about him either. I guess I was just lonely and my ego was probably a factor too.

He  jumps from woman to woman and gets a new girlfriend every six months or so. He has a habit of telling me all the girls he’s screwing at the moment (like I really want to know that). Anyway, when we first met online, we talked a lot, like a couple hours several times a week. I remember it was during the blizzard of 2010, when our college classes were cancelled for about two weeks and we talked constantly. He was even calling me “baby,” and we just seemed to hit it off. But then when he got a girlfriend, he stopped talking to me, except every few months, he’d text. So basically, he’d blow me off whenever he got a girlfriend.

I just didn’t get it, he was attracted to me physically, he said he thought that I was “hot,” and we seemed to talk constantly on the phone and hit it off…So why wasn’t he dating ME!? It was the type of situation where I felt like it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we didn’t get together, but at the same time, I secretly wouldn’t mind if he did ask me out. You know what I mean?  This became a reoccurring pattern, every time he’d start sleeping with a new woman (dating if you want to call it that) he would stop talking to me and then once they broke up, he’d randomly call me or text me. It got on my nerves.  So, I put him aside and concentrated on other guys. I do not like being “the one he calls,” when he has nothing better to do. So, this New Years, I was home alone…my parents were gone, my friends were all with their boyfriends. I tried calling my girl friend and she was asleep, so I texted the guy. I asked him “what he was doing, was he with his girlfriend for new years?” I got a  sexually explicit text back saying he was basically sleeping with her at the moment. Honestly,  I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not because who is going to text someone while they’re in the middle of a love making session and why would he tell me that? Why not just say “yes, can’t talk celebrating with my girlfriend,” and leave it at that? I thought that was kind of rude, maybe I was just jealous though.

I just wanted someone to talk to, I was lonely and all my friends were busy so I texted him. I admit it was foolish to text him on New Years because I should have known he would be celebrating with his “girlfriend,” everyone else was busy, why wouldn’t he be? I’m the only one (apparently) who does nothing, but spend new years at home playing Sims 3 all night. As I was saying, I wasn’t sure if he was serious or not when he made that comment, so I waited about an hour and texted him again. This time he (or his girlfriend) I personally think it was his girlfriend texted back and said  basically, “YES, he’s still busy with is GIRLFRIEND, I suggest you talk to someone else.” So, I got the brush off by his girlfriend (i’m assuming) so I apologized and didn’t text anymore.

Mind you, I was not talking about anything explicit, I was not flirting, I had no intention of meeting him when he had a girlfriend. But, I got the feeling that she was upset that I texted him. I guess I can understand why she would be upset, but there wasn’t anything going on, he obviously doesn’t like me and I had no intention of cheating with him and being a jump off. However, what I learned is that even if I had no intention of cheating with him, I still shouldn’t have texted or communicated with him. I knew that I had a slight attraction to him (even though I wasn’t crazy about him) and things could have easily transformed into flirting, even if it never amounted to cheating. I do not believe in cheating and I know I always thought I would NEVER interfere into someone else’s relationship, but I learned it’s hard to draw the line when you like someone, even if it’s just a superficial attraction. That is why it’s best not to talk (even about non-sexual stuff) to men who are in relationships because platonic conversation can lead to other things. Outside of school or work, there is no need to be texting or calling guys who are in a relationships that you like, even just a little bit. It can only lead to bad things. Even though nothing happened, it could have. I could have ended up flirting with him or something and then his girlfriend would have been even more upset.

So, as much as I enjoyed talking to him and even though I know I would never cheat with him, it’s best not to talk to him. Above all, he obviously only talks to me when he has no one else to call, so clearly he doesn’t like me. So, why should I have to get my feelings hurt when we’re obviously not on the same page. Even though I just wanted someone to talk to, it was stupid to text him and not expect his girlfriend to be offended that some girl was texting him. So, lesson learned.

By the way, he told me earlier that he liked yet another girl (he sent me a picture of her) and was contemplating breaking up with his current girlfriend (the one who in all likelihood gave me the brush off text). So, the poor woman doesn’t even know that her boyfriend is having an emotional affair and it’s not with me. I’m not the one to worry about. But, my mistake was thinking I could” just be friends,” with a guy (who I used to like) who has a girlfriend. Life lesson learned. That’s why it’s hard for a woman to be “just friends,” with a man. Finally, I guess he’s doing me a favor because he does jump from woman to woman, would I really want to be just another woman he dated and slept with and forgot about?…When I look at it from that perspective, it’s not so bad that he obviously isn’t all that into me.

2 thoughts on “Lesson Learned: Why It’s Hard to Be Friends with Guys Who Are In Relationships”

  1. Judging by his habit to remember your phone number only when he’s single and his whole behaviour towards his girfriend(s), I’m positive that you don’t wan’t to date this guy. Trust me on this one.

    This said, I actually believe women can “just be friend” with men, whether said men are in relationship or not.
    In the former case, you just have to make sure the guy has a modicum of respect for his girlfriend/wife.


  2. Messy. Absolutely messy. both of you gave each other mixed signals, also dishonest with each other. Those games are tiresome. I have had platonic friends, male and it didn’t matter if they found me attractive because I eas not interested sexually. I’ve been lonely at points in my life, in between relationships, but having a messy, ambiguous friendship with a guy was no longer an option. Plus if he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. Platonic is a boundary that is non negotiable.


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