As a young black woman who was raised in a church atmosphere, I’ve always valued my celibate lifestyle. This post is not about knocking the church, it’s not about arguing back and forth over religious beliefs because at the end of the day I love God, I do. However, the older I’ve grown, the more I’ve been humbled by my desire to…shall we say… “be fruitful,” with a male companion. But not just with any male companion, I want my male companion to be the man that I not only love and feel comfortable with, but ultimately I would like the first man I make love with to be my husband and the father of my children.
Sure, I’ve heard all the stories about why I shouldn’t wait until marriage… “oh, don’t wait…it’ll be so painful…you don’t want that pain on your wedding night…” or “if you wait until the wedding night, you’re both going to be so tired you won’t even be able to do anything,” I even had some friends of mine (who were not black) tell me that I shouldn’t wait until marriage because a virgin having sex with a black man would just be “too painful”… Yes… the mandingo STEREOTYPE is alive and well…but that’s another topic entirely.
All my life I’ve dreamed of sharing that part of myself with a man that I loved. I wanted him to be the one to open up my body and cherish it the way a woman’s body should be cherished. But, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to be true to my beliefs. There is a part of me that is waiting to be turned on, caressed and seduced.
I feel as if my biological clock is telling me it’s time to turn in my v-card…but in my heart and spirit, I still want to hold on to the hope that I will meet the right man.
I feel trapped. I know that part of the reason I have waited so long to have sex is fear. I am afraid that if I start having sex, I will be hurt in some way. I look around me and I see so many young black women who are in painful situations. There are so many single black mothers, so many women in situations they shouldn’t have to be in…that could be me.
On the Other side…
I feel like society doesn’t respect black women’s sexual dignity. I feel so many pressures and fears not only as myself, but as a black woman in a society that manipulates black women’s sexuality. It feels like I have to conform to this image and still not be accepted. According to stereotypes, I am supposed to either be single, lonely and sexually frustrated…or I’m supposed to drop my panties for every guy that looks my way. I am caught. Why can’t I just be human and fufill my natural desire for sexual intimacy without having to carry the weight of others around?
This desire is natural, it’s normal to want sexual intimacy at some point, isn’t it? Am I supposed to be robotic in my sexual interests…am I not supposed to crave intimacy and affection…