Young, Black and Celibate… Am I Ready to Turn in My V-Card?


As a young black woman who was raised in a church atmosphere, I’ve always valued my celibate lifestyle. This post is not about knocking the church, it’s not about arguing back and forth over religious beliefs because at the end of the day I love God, I do. However, the older I’ve grown, the more I’ve been humbled by my desire to…shall we say…  “be fruitful,” with a male companion. But not just with any male companion, I want my male companion to be the man that I not only love and feel comfortable with, but ultimately I would like the first man I make love with to be my husband and the father of my children.

Sure, I’ve heard all the stories about why I shouldn’t wait until marriage…   “oh, don’t wait…it’ll be so painful…you don’t want that pain on your wedding night…” or  “if you wait until the wedding night, you’re both going to be so tired you won’t even be able to do anything,” I even had some friends of mine (who were not black) tell me that I  shouldn’t wait until marriage because a virgin having sex with a black man would just be “too painful”… Yes… the mandingo STEREOTYPE is alive and well…but that’s another topic entirely.

All my life I’ve dreamed of sharing that part of myself with a man that I loved. I wanted him to  be the one to open up my body and cherish it the way a woman’s body should be cherished.  But, the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to be true to my beliefs. There is a part of me that is waiting to be turned on, caressed and seduced.

I feel as if my biological clock is telling me it’s time to turn in my v-card…but in my heart and spirit, I still want to hold on to the hope that I will meet the right man.

I feel trapped. I know that part of the reason I have waited so long to have sex is fear. I am afraid that if I start having sex, I will be hurt in some way. I look around me and I see so many young black women who are in painful situations. There are so many single black mothers, so many women in situations they shouldn’t have to be in…that could be me.

On the Other side…

I feel like society doesn’t respect black women’s sexual dignity.  I feel so many pressures and fears not only as myself, but as a black woman in a society that manipulates black women’s sexuality. It feels like I have to conform to this image and still not be accepted. According to stereotypes, I am supposed to either be single, lonely and sexually frustrated…or I’m supposed to drop my panties for every guy that looks my way. I am caught. Why can’t I just be human and fufill my natural desire for sexual intimacy without having to carry the weight of others around?

This desire is natural, it’s normal to want sexual intimacy at some point, isn’t it? Am I supposed to be robotic in my sexual interests…am I not supposed to crave intimacy and affection…

10 thoughts on “Young, Black and Celibate… Am I Ready to Turn in My V-Card?”

  1. It seems that you have waited long.. but in the grand scheme of eternity/time you haven’t waited at all. (This is a perspective that usually comes with age.. those who are YOUNG rarely have this perspective.)

    You can’t help how you feel, but you can help what you do.
    And if you feel yourself weakening and not willing to wait, observe closely the lives, difficulties and dramas of the baby mamas who gave in to their biological urges at a young age without the benefit of A HUSBAND. Talk to older single parents – as if your life depends on this, because it does! You owe your baby the BEST home and your SELF the BEST outcome possible,

    WAIT. For your sake and the sake of your child.
    Wait for the man who is worthy of being your good husband and the best father to your child. It might be a long wait, but in the end it will be more than worth it. There are some things worth WAITING for! But of course that’s up to you. Every child enters the Kingdom carrying some type of cross. Perhaps this is your cross to bear?

    “We also pray that you will be strengthened with his/[her] glorious power so that you will have all the patience and endurance you need.” Colossians 1:11


  2. I think it’s best to remain true to you. I don’t think you want sexual intimacy as much as you sound like you want that emotional, spiritual bond that will culminate in sex at the right time. At the end of the day i think it is best to honor your belief system, because once you go against yourself it will not feel right and will cause disharmony at the spiritual level These kind of spiritual disharmony almost always lead to some form of physical manifestation in the form of sickness or disease.. The only way for you to have sex before marriage peacefully, would be to change your belief system. Changing belief system takes mental work that needs to remain consistent over a period of time. Once you truly conform to your new belief system on the subconscious level that is only when you can make a move.

    Honestly, I think you are just being pulled in different directions by self and others. Take some time to meditate and pray on this dilemma. The answer to everything is within you anyways, so seek within for the truth. At the end of the day, don’t feel discouraged because there are many who have walked your path, you are human after all, and the human experience can be trying at times. Keep your head and spirits up, you are love and loved.


  3. Get married, then. Start dating. I guess it’s probably different where you come from. Most people in my community are married in their early twenties, and almost all of them are virgins. The kesubah, an ancient form of prenup, gives more money to the woman if they divorce or she’s widowed if she was a virgin when they married. So go date for marriage, and good luck!


      1. I’m actually not sure at this point. I think I was researching racism. But I’m really glad that I found it. This is a very educational experience for me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s