The Secret Advantage of the Undesirable Black Woman




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So, there was a video put out by Buzzfeed, which dramatized the infamous OK Cupid and the ayi dating app. In the video, models are used to represent the various races and genders that were represented in the studies.

See for yourself:

I’ll try to keep it brief. As many of you know, I am a Black woman who struggled with self-image and self-esteem throughout my adolescence. It’s still a struggle sometimes. However, I am no longer bothered by studies and videos such as these and let me explain why.

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From a Non-Superficial/ Greater Perspective: 

I know who I am. I come from my parents and I have their blood in me. As the descendant of a once-enslaved people, I have the blood of survivors and the blood of people who overcame great adversity inside me. I carry the features and mannerisms of my ancestors and my very existence is a testament to their tenacity and courage. I am honored to be in their image and I could not imagine looking any other way.

True beauty comes from living a life of love and kindness. What some app says does not define who you are. You define who you are. I must tell myself this again and again or life can get depressing, but sometimes I am a hypocrite about it, I admit. Today, I am going to be a hypocrite and write about the superficial stuff.

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From a Superficial Perspective:

Now that we all know that at end of the day there’s more to life than just some dating app, I must get down to the superficial. I’m only human and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t superficial at times. So, I must tell you the hidden advantage of Black women being portrayed as the least desirable.

Simply put, I love the feeling I get when I’m what people least expect. When many people think of Black women, they have all these stereotypes in their mind. Many people expect to see a mammy, sapphire or Jezebel and when you are none of those things, some people do not know what to do with themselves. It is rewarding, on so many levels, to prove someone wrong.

I have had experiences where I’ve put on a dress, some eye liner and had men of all races that were surprised that *GASP* there was such a thing as an attractive Black women…and then they just stare at you in bewilderment. Most women can tell when a man is looking at them… well when you are a Black woman and people don’t expect to be attracted to you, but they are…it makes that look (and desire) all the more intense.  It’s puzzling, yet alluring to some men (and women) when you are not what they expect a Black woman to be.

But, let me tell you where the real hidden advantage comes in. When men aren’t expecting to be attracted to you, but they are…it’s like they are discovering you for the first time. You become mysterious, rare and exotic  and that puts you at an advantage because most men love the thrill of discovery and exploration. But, no one is expecting you to be anything other than the stereotypes they have in their mind, so they don’t even see you coming.

This is why Black women should stop seeking mainstream media acceptance. Being undiscovered gives us a distinct advantage. We should spend time not dwelling on the negative stuff, but instead investing ourselves in our positive attributes and beauty. The more we love ourselves, care for ourselves and value ourselves, the less other people will feel like they can treat us in a disrespectful manner.

So in summary, don’t let these studies get to you. We are much more than we’re made out to be and we do have a distinct advantage, trust me.

On an even more superficial note, I’d love to see a video about interracial marriage and divorce rates(though i doubt it)…wonder who’d come in first and last for that… *wink wink*

26 thoughts on “The Secret Advantage of the Undesirable Black Woman

  1. The best advantage to being seen as undesirable is that people underestimate us, when people underestimate their opponent they have already lost the battle. we get to see who our real allies are, we get to see who really embraces our beauty and who are just cooning self hating people. We get to see all the self haters come out including family and friends that say some of the most self hating things, and we learn to separate from the negativity.

    We learn to really love ourselves because nobody else will. We have no choice but to learn to love and appreciate our beauty because nobody else will, true happiness comes from within. while other females depend on others to validate and worship their beauty ,black women have to look within ourselves to discover our beauty, and that is the most powerful thing we can do. While other women have to starve themselves, dye their hair, change a lot of things about themselves to live up to a man made fantasy standard, we know we can’t live up to that standard and shouldn’t want to.

    And we get to see the difference between boys and men, boys will worry about how long and straight a woman’s hair is and how close she comes to the white standard. boys measure a woman’s beauty and femininity by the length of her hair and her eye color, and skin tone. Men don’t worry about those things, they know a woman’s true beauty is not to be measured by the length of her hair, but by the lengths to which she goes for the ones she loves, they know a woman’s femininity is the way she carries herself not the way changes herself. Boys want a docile dominated woman, Men want a woman that can keep up with them and are on their level, and encourages them to continue to grow, learn, and prosper. Boys want a woman that will let them stay at the same level they have been at, and never expect them to grow, learn, or prosper.

    Other women have to worry a lot about men fetishizing them, black women don’t have to worry about that as much. We don’t have to worry about if somebody gets with us based on the false sense that we are superior, we don’t have to worry about others coming after us for stepping on their toes to be on a pedestal. we are humble because we have been on the bottom and we don’t forget where we came from or who we come from, we are resilient because we have no other choice but to bounce back after hard times, we are beautiful because of all of these things and more, we are beautiful physical beauty can be taken away in an instant, only fools depend on physical beauty, but wise people depend on being spiritually, mentally, and emotionally beautiful. Those are things that cannot be taken away or brought and sold, these are things we create these are things the individual possess that nobody can take away. so in other words we are beautiful, it may not be by white standards, but who cares, white standards are backwards as fk.

      1. thanks peanut, it’s just I see and deal with some bs and being black women we really get a front seat to all of the bs. I get so tired of dealing with it, writing about it is the only way I can cope with it. we deal with racism, sexism, colorism, and hair type ism, I hate fighting all these battles, exposing it is the best way.

        I have my moments where I feel weak, vulnerable, and mad, like I feel right now. ugh.

        “I carry the features and mannerisms of my ancestors and my very existence is a testament to their tenacity and courage. I am honored to be in their image and I could not imagine looking any other way”

        I feel the same way but sadly too many people don’t feel the same way. Since I’ve chosen to live in my own truth and embrace my natural beauty some people are so self hating. It is sad and disgusting when ur own parent hates the image they created in their child. How can any parent be ashamed of their child looking like their grandparents, great grandparents, their ancestors. would they tell them they are too black or their hair too nappy? Too many black people will complain about the way their child looks, looks to black, looks to nappy, but some never care to know how their child feels. I find it funny how some parents can tell their kid some of the most disgusting things but if somebody else were to tell their child anything they would be checking that person, well who is going to check them.

        I feel like we are attacked either way, if we are nice and soft spoken people think we are supposed to be loud just because we are black, newsflash we are not like rhoa or basketball wives or any other “black” reality show.

        people say we have self hate, yet the moment we embrace our natural selves they still have something to say, oh is our natural too authentic for u?

        I can say fk u ppl, but what happens when one of those people is ur own parent. I hate fighting battles with anybody but from a family member though, really.

      2. i feel your pain mstoogood, indeed self-hate runs deep. i had a hard time getting my mom to accept my natural hair, she is a lot more accepting now largely because my hair has never been longer, but she still wants to “see how long it is straight.” i don’t prefer straight hair any more though. most of the time, my hair is natural.

  2. my mom is supportive she is the one that encouraged me to do the big chop. My dad is negative he keeps saying I should have my hair the way it was before and saying how thick and “packed” it is. I don’t think he hates natural hair, but he does like looser textures, my niece has 3c hair and he compliments her hair, but my 4c hair he says nothing but negative things. I guess the older generation is stuck on the “good” hair bs.

    sometimes I wanna tell him off, but I never do, I just walk away. one day I will have the courage to confront him on all the negative things he says. My aunt who put the relaxer in my hair in the first place even complimented my natural hair, my uncle and my other aunt like it as well. The crazy thing is a lot of black folks don’t see anything wrong with not liking natural hair. I’ve never heard a white person say, u know my child’s hair is too straight, it seems that the only time people can see how crazy something sounds is if u apply it to somebody else, because when u talk directly to them about their self hate they get defensive.

    I just wish people would try to understand first before commenting, if u like relaxer so much u go get it done to ur head and see how it feels. I was tired of having scabs from getting relaxers and the burning and the whole not being able to scratch my head because it would burn when I get a relaxer. It was all just dumb to me, I never even wanted a relaxer in the first dam place. I guess some black males forget the same hair that they call nappy on us is the same hair that grows out of their head, oh but I forgot they run and cut their hair off the moment it gets thick or they go wave their hair and nobody says a thing, but sure comment on black women’s hair. my dad shaves his hair bald, so I guess I shouldn’t even care what he says, anybody that doesn’t have hair should not even speak on somebody else’s head full of hair smh.

  3. oh and I just remembered my dad had a nice thick huge fro in his childhood I saw the pics, so it just baffles me why he doesn’t appreciate mine when it is the same as his from his younger years. I just can’t deal with the bs of males being able to do something but a female does it and its the end of the world. I think next time he comments on my hair I will say well it is the same hair u had as a child, it is the same fro u rocked and loved, so why are u hating on it now?

  4. And you are not a descendant of slaves only. You come from greatness. Civilization. The greatest stock this side of the universe.

    Oh, and That look given by outsiders, That look of surprise? That’s that look that they’ve been lied to (by their own kind) in regards to BW.
    I get that same look every time I find out more bout our history knowing I’ve been lied to, too. By their kind, no doubt.

  5. You know what, I’m annoyed by this because I can’t even believe this anymore. Why are Black women constantly portrayed as undesired to the point where a blog like this is made? What is so twisted about this society? I’m Black and have always attracted guys. I’m not special or oh-so-hot or sexy, and I attract men just fine. There are plenty of men who find Black women attractive. The losers who they’ve done studies on obviously follow stereotypes, and those guys shouldn’t even be given a second thought because they’re idiots. I’ve known plenty of men who see people as individuals, and many Black women are attractive to them just like anyone else. There are also more men out there who prefer Black women than people realize. The ONLY type of Black female I’ve seen who really are as undesired as it seems, are the stereotypical ones. If you’re overweight with a long weave, a loud voice and you dress/speak in a way that shows you’re from an inner city area, then you won’t attract a whole lot of men. Otherwise, I don’t see the difference. My city has plenty of Black women of various looks and body types who are dating all kinds of men.

    The media is starting to p!ss me off, and I’m not this type of person, but WTF. What kind of sick society tries this hard to make a group of people seem so completely horrible that a blog like this even makes sense to anyone? You’re not undesired, and the men who stare at you are not *shocked* that you’re Black and attractive. Plenty of Black women are attractive. I see it, others see it, many won’t admit it, and the main guys who say that stupid stuff are the ones in areas with few Black women, or those who watch Maury because they don’t have jobs yet. Most Americans are too stupid to weed out the idiots amongst them, but don’t let the idiots set the standard. My goodness.

    1. I was agreeing with you, until you threw those types of black women under the bus. You just regurgitated a problematic stereotype of black women, which took away from your could have been positive post.
      There are plenty of beautiful classy who are plus size or big women, Amber Riley is a great example. Actually there are quite a few examples. Queen Latifah, several plus models and so forth. The black women on reality t.v. are the typical slender barbie types aka Kenya Moore, Porsha etc and they are all loud and obnoxious with long ass weaves, can we apply the same stereotypes to them? Or do they get a pass because they weren’t raised in low income areas and aren’t BBW’s? Last time I checked they all have men, what’s the problem? Eve wears a weave and she’s marrying a white millionaire soon, matter of fact a good portion of black women wear weaves and I’m you have done so before. You just mocked, generalized, and belittled a section of black women, who are also worthy of respect and love. The idea that black women raised in lower income areas aren’t desired or worthy, really boils my blood. Many of the young women I went to school with, lived in impoverished areas and a half of them are college graduates and nurses. I’ve noticed this particular stereotype/image is darn near engrained in people minds.

      No one does to white women, Latina women or even black men, which is why from these groups, all types are deemed as desirable. Only black women are chastised like this and split up into groups.

      I’ve noticed that black women have to fall into “respectability politics” before anyone deems them worthy of anything. Even black women who believe they’re “Pro-black female” do this.
      All black women should be represented as desirable. I’ve seen beautiful and classy plus size black women, beautiful and classy skinny black women, thick black women, dark skin black women, light skin black women, bi-racial black women, queer black women, black women who are natural, black women with weaves and so forth. None of our sistas are exempt from being represented respectfully.
      You’re not for black women IF YOU’RE NOT FOR ALL BLACK WOMEN.

      1. “I’ve noticed that black women have to fall into “respectability politics” before anyone deems them worthy of anything. Even black women who believe they’re “Pro-black female” do this.
        All black women should be represented as desirable. I’ve seen beautiful and classy plus size black women, beautiful and classy skinny black women, thick black women, dark skin black women, light skin black women, bi-racial black women, queer black women, black women who are natural, black women with weaves and so forth. None of our sistas are exempt from being represented respectfully.
        You’re not for black women IF YOU’RE NOT FOR ALL BLACK WOMEN”
        I agree 100% with that!!

      2. Don’t fall for that nobody wants you hype as a black lady. It will only make you eat more and get really sad!

      3. @EbonyChic205

        When I was a child low income black women were not demonized the way they are today. I think hip hop helped spread the idea that low income black women (especially mothers) are “ghetto hood rats” that deserve no respect. “Respectable” black women need to not join in the beat down of so called “ghetto” black women.

  6. Hey guys,

    I know this was off topic, but I feel everything is related and a lady needs to vent sometimes! I am young 25 year old black female and have had many creepers from races chase after me or try to jam me in other ethnic groups because they can’t accept that I am black. I even tried to wear a ring to keep the weirdo fetish white men away. I love myself, I have been natural for three years and never been happier when I stopped watching the CW and cable tv and getting programmed by white men that I would be nothing more then Olivia Pope to a white man. I just had a revolution in the past few years after waking up from a dark past so I just want to share. I dated three white men in my life because I was hurt that black men never approached me or when they did, it was because I fit their “black barbie mixed” idea and they wanted to look cool to their friends. Other ones called me ugly or ignored me. So hurt, I went to dating white men validation in my beauty. The three white guys I dated were very racist and tried to out right tell me I was bitter and overreacting.

    The thing is these guys were very nice men, they were polite and were normal guys. They dressed hipsterish, liked music, collecting stuff and were products of quirky art school graduates. The second white guy I dated he mentioned he would have bought me on a sex plantation in the old days (not funny). When I would say no to his suggestions, he would say he would laugh and tell me in the 1800s I would be forced. Everything he said was under the veil of a “joke”. One day I was sick my third white exbf tried to cheer me up by cracking black, asian, mexican racist jokes. “The only good mexican is a dead one” he said. I did not find that too funny. The comments did not stop there. After he told me the race jokes, I saw he was treating me like maybe I was a white women and I would find nothing wrong with those hideous jokes. But I was not a white women, I was someone who was oppressed daily and did not find oppression funny. He stood for everything I hated. I sat up thinking,”I need to stop this degrading myself insanity” He told me he would “buy me rings no black man could ever afford” and “how my friends were not real men because they were black”. One of the times he mentioned “that I had to be in the mood because I was built that way”. My last straw was the black man not affording a ring comment, it hurt me. I just stared at him and quietly collected my stuff and started to the door, he began laughing that “he was joking and I should not be angry over this because I was more like “coffee” not even that black so I shouldn’t care and I was a woman not a black man.” I kept walking and I have never looked back at that chapter in my life, I feel ashamed. I cut contact with him. I will no longer date white men. I feel dirt that I had sex and was used.

    I date asian men, black men, latino men, asian men. Any man with color because they know how if feels to be marginalized and stereotyped with a name they didn’t create. The ethnic men I have dated have never treated me as low as the white men have. That being said, I do not date white men nor do I think it would be smart to marry one to validate my facial beauty. I have dated black men and began to look at sites like Trojan Pam etc. Why is our default a white man for interracial? Please answer this. Don’t you see you’re being programmed to only see white men and no one else? My current boyfriend is a lovely guy who looks like Zayn Malik. We stumbled into each other at Starbucks of all places and he just wanted to have a free seat to read and finish his coffee. We’ve been together for a while. He’s never cracked a joke about killing other races or mentioned buying me for sex. During sex, he does not try rape dominant fantasies. He’s respectful and sweet and knows how it feels to be hated for the color of his skin so when I say something he doesn’t call me bitter. We’ve been picking out engagement rings (his mother dislikes me) but he could not care less and he told her so. So yes there is love out there.

    I apologize if this is long and feel free to delete it but I have been hurt and I relate to every black woman on this page. I was so sick for too long and now I feel free.

  7. As a non-american black woman I must say I used to believe I was unattractive and bought the Undesirable Black Women myth thinking I was attractive to no men.

    As I said on Abagond’s blog: from my personal experience many white men are attracted to black women (more than they’d like to admit) but most white men (like +90%) do not view black women as serious potential mates because most of them are not brave enough to stand up against their judgemental, prejudicial peers.

    Some white men may also think they don’t have a chance with you so they won’t approach you or will expect you to make the first move; and it doesn’t have anything to do with alleged shyness, it’s more about protecting their fragile egos because being rejected by a black woman (supposedly the bottom of the totem pole) would be the WORST thing that could possibly ever happen to them. Being rejected by non-black women is fine though.

    Most white men are not comfortable with admitting their attraction to black women publicly and they will reject a black woman openly solely because society portrays black women as the least desirable (shallow much?).

    As a result, when their close friends are not around and you’re unlucky enough to be there, they will express their repressed desires in the most astonishing ways:
    -They will follow you and spank your butt or touch your boobs to show you they’re “interested”.
    -They will feed you alcohol at parties so that they can get more easily into your pants.
    -They will slam you against the wall and rip off your clothes when alone with you at other people’s place.
    -They will invite you home even though you just met them 5 minutes ago at a professional meeting.
    -They will attempt to kiss you and cuddle with you the first day you tutor them.

    And then, they’ll barely acknowledge your existence in public and of course, they will be quick to tell the whole world about how they don’t find black women attractive while having non-black women on their arms.

    *It’s worth noting that when those things happened, I wasn’t dressed like a slut or encouraged them to act in such a way; I was dressed sexy (not vulgar) for parties at best.
    **It’s also worth noting that these white men were from both Europe and the US; they were ALL educated and some were even Phd students.

    The black men (that they LOVE to stereotype as brutes), asian men and hispanic men I’ve known NEVER treated me like that.

  8. I am changing my name on here to Jamaican Princess. Deborah, many of the things you said about White men are true but it is sad that you view them in that light. There is good and bad men in all races and cultures. I regret ever buying into that whole ”Wait for your Black King” nonsense when I can find a good man regardless of his color and race.

  9. @ Al K. Lloyd: You may be sincere but you’re an exception to the rule,

    @ Jamaican Princess: I view white men in that light because 98% of them treated me like a cheap prostitute when I’m a decent upper middle class woman completing my education. Knowing multiple languages and speaking perfect English when it’s not even my first language was not enough. Being well-mannered was not enough. Having a voluptuous (not fat) hourglass-shaped body and full lips was not enough. They still thought they were way too good for me.

    It’s like they expected me to be a perfect version of Kerry Washington when they are FAR from looking like Julian McMahon. It goes even deeper than mistreatment – it’s pure arrogance and entitlement that I never experienced with other men. However, the white Latino men I’ve known were not arrogant and entitled like most white European and North American men.
    What’s the point of dating the hot blonde blue-eyed Russian or French girl when you secretly attempt to take a black girl to dinner or when you seek a friend with benefits situation with a black girl on the side?

    I never bought the ”Wait for your Black King” nonsense and I’ve always been open to any cute decent man that respects me. I know there are good and bad men everywhere, my aunt is happily married to a white European man. Nonetheless, my experience tells me white men are the ones to be most wary of.

    1. Nice to hear your point of view. Everyone has their opinions and we must respect them. But I am not buying into ”Wait for your Black King” crap either. There is good and bad men in all races

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