Well, I’m moving back to my parent’s house. I have spent a year advancing my career goals. It’s been challenging, but a great learning experience. It is now coming down to an end. I got another position back home with a company that I’m very passionate about. It will be a great step to furthering my career goals. I will also be taking some graduate courses, which I’m excited about. I’ll be paying on my own. :) I’m kinda sorta doing a “grown-up,” thing just like mommy! :)
I have plans, dreams and hobbies that I would like to indulge in. I’ve even lost some weight about 20 pounds in all, although this week has been stressful and I’ve been a bit off. :) I’m getting back on the wagon first thing Saturday though. I still would like to lose about 10 more pounds, but it’s been pretty good to have lost this weight.
So with all of this positive news (and I am pleased with these prospects) you would think that I had it all going for me. Well, not for some apparently. The fact that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband makes me a failure to some.
I tell people, “oh I got this really great position at a business that I’m passionate about and I’m really excited.” I get a dull “oh cool…” then i get an excited…”so YOU MEET ANY GUYS??” This is the most important thing to people. If I’m happy and smiling, people come up to me and randomly ask me “who is HE?” As if the only reason that I could be happy is because some man made me that way. Then I’m reminded by their comments that I don’t have a man, so therefore I am a failure of a woman…
I tried doing a dating site earlier for a while. I got some responses sure, I got some older men winking at me, telling me I have a “beautiful smile,” and I got some pictures of penises in my inbox…but that was it. I closed my account.
I tried my hand at dressing up and going out on my own. I put on some eye makeup and a nice dress (one of the few that I have any way) and I got stares from men, but that’s it. I had one older Black man on the train tell me that “I’m a beautiful girl.” I had the cashier another older black man ask me out for a date…but I haven’t had a Black man my age ask me out in about 5-6 years, excluding the incident where the Afro-Arab guy basically tried to make me his jump off. Thankfully, I came out of that situation still a virgin… technically.
Then, there’s hispanic men. I am in a very hispanic area, yet I haven’t even met one guy who I could date here. It seems all the men here are married, which is great for hispanic women,but again not so much for me if I want to get a date. Then there’s Ethiopian men, I love their culture, but again they tend to marry so young. There are not many Asian men in this area. Though I saw a good looking Asian guy at the gym. I don’t even think he noticed me at all.
Now, white men. I’ve tried to be more open to white men. Hey, Black men my age don’t seem to be interested in marrying any time this century, so why not white men? The Black women online make it seem so glamorous, so why not give it a try? Never mind the historical and culture obstacles that I deal with…I can’t even get past the basic, superficial stuff. This is what happens. I’ll be dressed up and all white men will do is stare at my breasts or at my mouth on the train and nothing else. I remember very vividly I was wearing my favorite dress (again I only have about 4 dresses ) I had on eye make, I thought I looked pretty nice, nicer than my usual t-shirt and khaki shorts and sandals any way… the guy is walking past me, stops and stares into my eyes for a long time, we’re both looking at each other, then he just glances down and smoothes his hair back, like he was embarrassed or something. I just think so many white men think they’re superior to Black women, in fact I know they do. I don’t completely trust white men either, I’m not going to lie.
Then another white guy just stares at my breasts on the subway with his wife and kid in tow and when he saw me looking at him LOOKING AT ME, he turned into a statue and looked away. That’s the kind of “attention,” I get. The perverted kind…it’s either perverted, married men, older and being creepy or it’s older, 45-50 year old Black men who just want a younger woman…I don’t know. I just attract perverted men, I always have…never the right kind of guys. I don’t know if it’s a vibe I give off or what.
Any way, I pretty much don’t care any more. whatever. I thought I’d have a marriage and baby by now or at least a boyfriend, but whatever. You may say I sound desperate, but the reality is, most people want companionship. However I’ll say in my defense that at least I’ve kept my dignity. I’m not out doing crazy things to get male attention or dressing all crazy. No. In fact, I hope to go back to church as soon as I move back home.